I Don’t Want to be Your Gay BFF

Published on The Tab

Spotted in his natural habitat with an overloading of shopping bags and a mating call of “slay, you fabulous bitch”, the gay BFF has become a real life guardian angel. He is a mythical helper who can seamlessly transform both your wardrobe and your social status overnight.

However, his natural predator, the fag hag, has clawed out any part of him that she didn’t like, leaving a tanned shell of a body to use as her minion. He is dead on the inside, and must conform to whatever she wants.

This fag-hag will typically be blonde, thin and a self-styled fashionista. She will parade around her gay BFF for all of the world to see, in a display of pride and a territorial claim to others that this one is hers. Where Paris Hilton has her fluffy chihuahua, she must settle for the lesser-spotted gay BFF, the latest in domesticated fashion accessories. In essence, he is a walking accessory that makes you look better in photos and will shower your ego with compliments.

With dreams of choreographing the perfect dance routine to Single Ladies and assuming that he is totally enjoying your joint twerking to Nicki Minaj, she reduces him to his sexuality rather than his personality. He is wheeled out to further her sassiness and prove that she is fierce. Her cries of “let’s have a sass off” roughly translate to “if we do this together I’m going to look so much sassier because you’re doing it with me”. She’ll even define the friendship as being like Destiny’s Child, because obviously he’s one of the girls and couldn’t possibly be compared to a guy.

As Oscar Wilde turns in his grave, the gay BFF is on a forced trip to Meadowhall to help pick out the exact pair of white jeans that will give her the ‘booty’ she is devoid of. But of course, his role is to tell her she’s got a Kardashian figure and that is why she takes him. Over a Caramel Frap, discussions will turn to boy-related drama and the inevitable “so I met this gay guy and you two should totally hook up”, despite the fact he’s already seen his Grindr profile and it’s a definite no. But of course, in her world, all gay guys are perfect for each other and personal preference just does not exist.

Despite the work of Gok Wan, the gay BFF really doesn’t enjoy shopping for girl’s attire as much as you think he does. He will revel in the time he’s actually allowed to shop for himself. The changing rooms become an inbuilt photo shoot as he channels his inner-Tyra. These moments are few and far between, before he must return to his role as being a personal shopper, fashion police and compliment giver.

Craving a crisp pint of Stella is simply out of the question, because with her its only ever cocktails – naturally it contains the gay guy’s favourite things, cock and cosmos. Although a pint down the pub will be calling his name, you could never let him do that. After all, WWCBD? (What would Carrie Bradshaw do?)

Sometimes when you don’t want to drown in cosmos, there’s always the option for a duvet day. Naturally, the programme choices will include Ugly Betty, Mean Girls and Clueless, because that’s all the gay BFF is into, right? Oh, and while you’re at it please do compare him to every gay character that exists. Obviously he is so similar to both Marc and Damon that he is just “too gay to function”.

Graphic descriptions of sexual exploits and menstruation cycles suddenly transcend the out of bounds topics, because you’re gay and therefore interested. “I’m so glad I can talk to a boy about these things” will be what she says, while the gay BFF wishes he’d never heard any of the gory details. As if female genitalia wasn’t terrifying enough for him, he now has no choice but to visualise what she has just described.

Spare a thought for the gay BFF, it’s a role he didn’t choose himself. Pray for him as he is forced to endure the cackles and bitchiness of this clique that have adopted him because of his shared interest in the male species. He didn’t choose the gay BFF life, the gay BFF life chose him. No tea, no shade hunty.


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